While eating a lobster dinner on vacation last week, my friends were in awe and amazement of my lobster eating aptitude while they wrestled with claws, and legs and tails.
Bib in place, wet-nap by my side and nut-crackers in hand, I broke through my lobster’s shell and had the meat removed and ready to be eaten with the skill and grace of a surgeon performing intricate surgery. Not an ounce of lobster meat was left behind, hidden in some crevice, knuckle or leg. Like a true professional I jumped in and assisted my dining companions step-by-step, while reciting the story on how I developed the status of a professional lobster eater.
The tale starts during a job I had in high school at a lobster shack on a pier in Plymouth, Massachusetts. It was there that I learned my lobster eating skills and became the unofficial Lobster Attendant that showed tourists from around the globe how to eat a lobster.
We’ve all had odd jobs in our lives, but by far this has been the most memorable, crazy and maybe even the most challenging job I have ever had. Standing in front of a hundred tourists, many non-English speaking, I ended up depending on very animated and charade-like actions to demonstrate what words sometimes could not.
Dressed in crisp khaki shorts and the official lobster shack polo, each day I grabbed the largest boiled lobster I could find to assist me with the instructional demonstration. I was like the flight attendant for lobster eaters. I gave directions and was there to guide during the tourists crazy ride of eating their very first lobster.
My spiel, said in the most animated sing-song stewardess-like voice I could muster, went something along these lines:
Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentleman. My name is Kathleen and I will be your Lobster Attendant this afternoon. It’s a pleasure to have you eating with us today.
Shortly I will be giving a safety & eating demonstration highlighting the features of this 1 and ¼ pound lobster. On the table in front of you there are instructions printed on the placemat showing graphics and instructions on how to eat a lobster. Please remove the placemat from the setting in front of you, and follow-along to further understand the instructions on eating this 1 and ¼ pound lobster.
Please note if you are sitting in a picnic seat row and next to someone also eating a lobster, you may be subject to splattering. If you are unable or unwilling to have this splattering, please contact me at the conclusion of this announcement.
Before eating, please fasten your lobster bib, high and tight around your neck. Remove the two plastic straps from the bib, by pulling the loose end of the strap. Tie the straps tightly around your neck. To remove the bib, pull on the straps firmly to release. Please leave your bib on at all times to protect yourself from unexpected splatters.
There are four shell pails located on each picnic table, two on each side of the table. Please look around you at this time and locate the two closest shell pails nearest to your seat, keeping in mind that the closest shell pail may be located behind you.
Each seat is provided with wet-nap cleaning devices in the event of needing a quick and easy water-free cleansing. To use the wet-nap pull the cloth from the packaging, and wipe to the face and hands, as shown on the placemat instructions. For sanitary reasons, please use your own wet-nap before helping clean others.
Thank you for your attention, ladies and gentleman. I will now be coming through the dining room to make my final lobster eating check before dining. If you have any further questions regarding lobster eating, please ask your questions at this time.
And lastly, and most importantly… thank you for eating from the friendly seas.